starcrossed.

woke up really early. got dressed and did my hair. my uncle shawn picked me up. we went back to his house for a little bit, then began the journey to vero beach.

on the ride there i wated the, what i think is, third ice age movie, it was cute. i was texting josh too, but not until the last like, hour of the ride. fiinally in vero i got to see my daddy and my step mom my baby brother and a few of my cousins. then my cousins brandon and tyler showed up. jesus christ, as wrong as it sounds, brandon is hot. ahahaha. then we got in his car and got some ice? lol.

later rebekah and nicole and all that part of the family shows up. we had so much fun just being together. i love my family. we just talk about everything and nothing and its all okay. spending time with my brother was a lot of fun too, i love him and miss him so much.

then when we were about to leave it was so sad. i cried for a long time. i hate living so far away from my brother. i fell asleep crying. i woke up and kept crying. i got home and kept crying. josh called and tried to make me feel better, it didn't exactly work but im glad he tried.

wow. what a great night!

after school taylor came over, and we had cereal while waiting for sydney to get here, then she was here, and i fell asleep while they were watching glee, cause i suck. then i woke up. we chiled. then Hannah text me wanting to hang out. she came over. we all chilled. then we decided we wanted pie. and jamba, so we went to jamba, visited chris and hot anthony, though i don't think anthony is hot. anyhow, then we went to winn dixie. then we got apple and pumpkin pie. and we were all paired off between the pies. haha. recorded white dick a video, and then took some pictures, and watched glee. sydney and taylor don't seem to understand that you dont sing along to glee until you download the songs after the episode. but whatever.

anyhow. after glee they all left, and that is that.

but right now my basic annoyance that is overpowering my life is that people who claim to be my best friends and that they will always be there for me barely talk to me.

YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE MY BEST FRIEND. the definition of best friend is NOT: only talk because we have a class together, never answer texts or calls, and never confirm plans for the weekend.

thats what you're doing silly little monkey! why don't you flippin realize that for a good long time i was with you almost everyday, and now suddenly you just don't wanna hang out with me anymore. it frickin sucks.

you said that you wouldn't be like natalie, but you are. you said it was wrong how she put me down, and now you're starting to, too. i just know how to pick'em don't i?

and the other you. you "care" about me sooooo much. bullshit. all you care about is the drugs you can do and your other best friend, and getting sexual favors, you have no regaurd for my feelings and i don't even know why i try anymore. -_-

and all the other little yous who aren't necessarily my "best friend" but claim to be close with me, you're obviously not, because if you were i could have talked to you about this rather than having to write a silly little blog complaining about everything.

that is all.

ok so like not even a day or two after that me and josh started talking again. He and THAT THING are still together, idk it still kills me, but i'm being nice to her for the sole purpose that i don't want her to think she gets to me, cause it makes her feel better, ya know? anyhow, josh totally cheated on her, with me  thats another reason i don't really care about them going out, cause i know he's still in love with me, no matter what. He might break up with her and go out with Syd, but even if he does he'll cheat on her too. and you know what she deserves it, i mean she's supposed to be my friend, not want the guy that im in love with, a duh.

The only thing that really bothers me is that people are saying that vanessa is an upgrade? WTF? not true at all, she looks like a fucking penguin! UGH. and like, me and josh have kinda been sneaking around for like a week? maybe? idk whatever but like we've been meeting up and hooking up a lot lately, or just hanging out if we feel like it, so like saturday we hooked up and then like his mom called to tell him to go home, so he went home whatever, but then his mom left, so i walked over there to just chill, and he gets a text from vanessa saying like "how long have you been there with julia" and it had been like over half an hour, but he told her 5 minutes, lmfao. and like i had been with him for like 2 hours, but thats not what she asked, so ya.

OH AND the play was cool. friday night at IHOP i had a blast. Saturday i had the carwash, and chilled with josh, and then the cast party. it was pretty chill too, but like it was so different from last night, Harry was there, ugh he's so cute. SOOO cute. i've def got a crush. Sunday i was in trouble and couldnt go out but i did get my hair dyed then Monday we went to the beach and there was like 30+ people from coop at dania beach it was so random. CHURCH'S CHICKEN AND JAXONS FOR THE WIN!

anyhow, today at school i looked like shit, no big deal, i chilled with josh for like not even 5 minutes, then talked to joe and such, class was alright, we watched commercials and i kinda napped. 2nd hour was retarded. i took my make up test for third hour during lunch and failed cause food was on my mind. then third hour i just tuned everything out. ryan was in the hospital, i was worried. fourth hour i did some PO's no prob. then esteblished that i want to be president of drama next year. told mrs thomas i couldnt go to set strike. walked home half the way with josh, now im just here. haha

i want the love of my life to want me again, and how is that supposed to happen when everyone is saying his new girlfriend is an upgrade?

So, I feel as though almost everyone in my life, that isn't bound to me by blood of course, is just, well a passerby. Nobody really is my BEST FRIEND until the end. I haven't had the same close friend since i was a kid, sure i keep in touch with her, but we're not close anymore. Freshman year I lost a lot of friends, and most of my best friends were seniors and left, sophomore year Josh was my best friend, and now hes out of my life, and when he left Hannah and them came in. Natalie has been around since freshman year, but i don't feel we're as close as we used to be. As horrible as it sounds, I think I'm just meant to be a "loner" BY THE WAY "What Hurts the Most" would come on just as I'm starting a sentence about Josh.

Basically I wanna change how things are. I want to find that lifelong friend that you make in highschool and becomes your maid of honor. OH how cliche i know, but its just something i want. I also would like to know what it is that I want from life, what I wanna do with my life. 

There are so many choices to make in life, and so little time to make them

This movie, it screams Josh. He LOVES this movie, and of course when I'm having a bad weekend and there is nothing else on, it comes on so I'm pretty much forced to watch it. I've been crying all weekend, and cutting again. This is total bullshit. I miss him so much, I LOVE him so much.I just wish that maybe he and i could go back to the beginning and start over, then things would be just how they are supposed to, because it cannot be meant to be this way. We're supposed to be in love, we're supposed to be together forever I swear it. This cannot be the way the story ends. Absolutely CANNOT. It won't change unless I make it change, so from now on it's up to me. I'm not gonna go ruining his relationship, but when it's over, you can bet I'll be there for him, and then, HOPEFULLY, he'll come back to me.

i really do hate myself.

I'm so unhappy with how everything in my life is going right now. Josh completely just moved on, he can find someone else who cares about him, who wants to make it work, why can't I? Is life just out to get me? I love him so much, he was my best friend, and I feel like I've just lost such a huge part of my life, a part that can't be replace, a part I can't just give to anyone, a part only someone who knows me inside and out, like he does, can fill, and I'm just not up for letting someone else in like that. I've been hurt too damn much, I can't take any more pain. I just want something to numb the pain. I want to cut, but I just, I don't want to go back to that place again, it's such a dark fucking place. I've been reading MLIA in the middle of writing this because it makes me just a tad bit happier, but not really.

As for the title of this fucking blog, when the hell did this happen to me? When did i start to fucking care? Why am I so easily hurt these days? Bam, there goes the J carved into my wrist. That should be it for tonight though, I'm not about to kill myself, I just needed a release, and I'm not about to be doing pills because i have BCASC in less then 7 hours. I need to find a new person to be with, a new person to be my best friend, a new person to be there for me at least until the end of senior year. Someone who will actually be around, somebody that won't judge. Why is it so hard to find someone like that in my grade?

I need to learn to be strong. I need to get through this next month and then it will be my birthday and homecoming will be over and I'll be doing fun stuff for districts and my life will be in order again and hopefully by that time I'll find someone who cares? I don't know, whatever, I want that to be the last thing on my mind.

-we must reinvent love-

i didn't blog for the remainder of summer because i didn't see a point. i didn't do much that was monumental or anything, so whatever. sunday i went to go get my hair done, then hung out with joe, stacy, shaun, and valeria. talked to josh, i dont know what is going on with us, but im too preoccupied to really even think about it.

Just Another Manic Monday?:

Linzee picked me and Richie up at 630. It's kinda weird for me to be going to the same school as my brother again. I have to be careful about more. My schedule isn't half bad either. First hour i have TV1 with Hannah and Eric, as well as Seth, then i have Manly for AP English, Lindsay is in the class and so is Danielle, so its ok, but Sam K is there too, and she annoys the crap out of me. I have A lunch, which sucks, but i chill with Linzee, Basskin, Eric, and Stamper. Third hour is Marine Science. There is a shit ton of people there. Doug, Dustin, Michele, Stamper, Eric, Aaron, and Danielle. Unfortunately I know michele will obviously be cheating off of all of my stuff, and I'm not to happy about it. Then I go to fourth hour, it's the usual SGA kids and some other clubs, surprisingly Richard is there, so we sit together. After school I got a ride home from Chris [Gaynor] and then took a nap. Got all my shit together and went to bed.

Tuesday:

Linzee picked me up, we saw a frog with wings that was on my street, and actually a bird. Haha. Got to school and just walked around and chilled. It was reallly hot, ew. First hour was fun, we watched the Code of Conduct thing, it was HILAROUS. The girl narrating was hispanic and said bully sooo funny, and after they tell us not to bully kids they put on this fashion show where you just HAVE to make fun of people. We took notes but it wasn't really that bad. Second Hour we took a practive test. I got 4 right, out of 15, it was pathetic, but funny. Lunch was boring. I saw Richie in the Student Affairs Office, but, I didn't, Linzee did. I don't know. Whatever. Third hour we got books and shit, the cheating off of Julia began, even if it is small stuff, for now. We took some notes and it really wasn't half bad. Then leadership. We had a kitty. It was adorable. Jorge took it home. We introduced ourselves and such, it was slightly pointless. Then i went to Hrabaks class to chill with Hannah and Noa for a bit. Wandered around aimlessly after that. Sophie took me home. I was gonna go jogging with Linzee but mom said no so i did homework and chilled whatever. Now I'm watching Ni Hao Kai-lan while i finish this. shower then bed. Goodnight.

• i worry that i won't actually be able to get into FSU
• i worry that i'll never really find love.
• i worry that i'll lose my friends in the crossroads of highschool
• i worry that i won't be able to balance my life
• i worry that riley will hate me because im not really around
• i worry that my mom found the pills and condoms i hid im my room
• i worry that she thinks im using them, because im not. i just have them, and honestly i don't know why.
• i worry that she's gonna be pissed, if she found it, and not let me out of the house
• i worry that im slowly losing all of my friends already, and that there's nothing i can do to stop the process.
• i worry that i won't get a good part in a funny thing happened on the way to the forum
• i worry that next year in SGA all i'll do is screw up
• i worry that i might become a frequent pot smoker when i start getting money
• i worry that i'll be not only a bad influence for richie, but a bad role model for riley
• i worry about the fact that i really don't know what i want to do with my life.
• i worry that in waiting around to figure it out, i'll lose my chance and become nothing more then a college kid with no direction
• i worry that i make myself look like a slut
• i worry that everyone will consider me a failure
  
• but mostly, i worry that i'll fail myself

before i post about GA and Tally, im gonna write about whats on my mind lately.

it really seems that nobody really "needs" me in their life. like, i know its weird, but i like to be needed. my friends all got along without me in the month i've been gone, and a lot of them wouldn't even really keep in touch. angie never tells me things anymore, i haven't really talked to natalie much in like a week, i don't wanna drift from her. and hannah, she started going out with aitan and didn't tell me? wtf? knowing i like him? thats so fucked up, its like hey lets not even have the freaking consideration to tell her, rather her find out from fucking facebook. and then shaun, hes all for getting over ally one day, and the next hes like, oh i really wanna get back with her but only if she asks me. fuck that. linzee kinda seems like she needs me, but at the same time, no. shes got all her older friends that shes like, always with. tina frenchy and all that crew of people, they just call me every once in a while to chill, and i understand completely, but its just like, i feel that if i didn't keep in touch, it wouldnt really matter. christine is coming back to coop, so if she didn't need me, its probably going to change. im really excited for that. and then, there's josh. oh josh. he seems to be getting by in life just fine without me, and its just so confusing. why is it so hard for me to let go of my feelings when he can just brush them off? like, he said that he'll always have feelings, but why is it that he can just put them in the back of his head? why can't i do that? seriously! oh and me and chris broke up cause "it was easier" ??? wtf?  i don't even get that, but its ok. that brings me to steph. she barely talks to me anymore. like i saw more differences in our friendship the month before she started college in the first place, and there's just been more and more, and i kinda feel like she thinks of me as a naive little sister type more then her best friend. it sucks so much. when did i become worthless?